Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
