I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We need to rekindle our bromance
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
