i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
