my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
