If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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