Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
