She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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