why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Randomize
