True but thats because hes a fetus.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
