This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
