Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
