Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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