His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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