Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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