Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
