whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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