i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Randomize
