there's paper in my vomit.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Let's get the cat blown out
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
