Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
