Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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