I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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