well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
