Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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