at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
