There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
