as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize