I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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