The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
