There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Randomize
