Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
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Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
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FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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