Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
