I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
operation harelip BJ is a go
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
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In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
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Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?