My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
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Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
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Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.