It's a beautiful day for a hangover
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?