I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
