Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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