Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
