my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
