my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
