i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
