My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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