I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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