I'm so fucking centered right now
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.