I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
