She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
