I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
