I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
