you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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