So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
