you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
