11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
