i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
