afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
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What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
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If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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