Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
