My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
