Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
