All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
