Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
