You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
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The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
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Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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